“You’ll be fine mama, this is normal. Every mother does it.”
“Don’t stress about it. That will affect your milk supply! Just be calm.”
“If you don’t breastfeed, you will never bond with your baby. Just push through, don’t give up.”
“If you use formula, you might as well be poisoning your baby.”
These kindly (and not so kindly) meant words are so encouraging, right? Mmm no.
Breastfeeding is a beautiful and fascinating aspect of motherhood. The body’s ability to produce a life-sustaining substance with more nutrients and benefits than one could even imagine possible seems like a fool proof activity. However, this is the ideal situation and it’s just not the case with every mother. Unfortunate as it is, there is a wide range of reasons why breastfeeding may actually not the best the best option for you and your baby.
Some moms have won the fight against breast cancer but have had to adjust to life without breasts. Some have had to deal with insufficient glandular tissue or hormone issues that cause their breasts to produce no milk. Yet others have had to deal with the silent pain of a condition called D-MER. My heart goes out to every woman who finds herself in one (or many) of these situations. But absolutely nothing could break the bond of love between these mothers and their children. Bonds that were formed, not by breastfeeding, but by love, caring, holding, talking, singing, cleaning and protecting their babies.
One of the conditions that a new mother might find herself experiencing is one I mentioned above – D-MER. I had never heard of this until recently but to know that what I experienced was a real disorder and not because I failed at being a mother has brought much comfort to me, and may do the same for you.
What is D-MER?
D-MER or Dysphoric Milk Ejection Reflex is a spectrum type disorder so what it looks like for you will probably be different to that of another mom. D-MER is a dysfunction in the mechanism that allows breast milk to flow and can cause negative emotions for anywhere from 30 seconds to two minutes at milk letdown, according to Alia Macrina Heise, IBCLC, CLE, CPD, a lactation consultant in Naples, New York, who is credited with pioneering research on D-MER. This field of study has only been around for about 10 years, though, so there is not a lot of information about it, other than than the experiences of mothers dealing with this rare condition.
I am still continuing to learn much about this but from what I can deduce, this is not a psychological disorder like post-partum depression or other anxiety disorders but a physiological disorder. When breastfeeding, dopamine levels drop in order for prolactin levels to rise and create the milk ” let down”. If there is too steep of a drop in dopamine, this can triggers feelings ranging anywhere from mild anxiety and irritability to major panic, anger and paranoia among other things.
By absolutely no fault of their own, some mothers suffer from the frustrating and difficult to potentially debilitating problem while breastfeeding – most of the time being told that it is totally normal.
There is an endless amount of information we could learn about the human body and scientists have barely scratched the surface. Now, more than ever, we should be compassionate and understanding. We may not know what a new mom is dealing with. She may not even know.
Be loving, patient, supportive and understanding. She really needs it.
My Experience.
While I’m fascinated with the complexity of D-MER, I don’t know for sure that I had this condition or just hit the perfect storm of unfortunate circumstances that made breastfeeding impossible, but I can certainly relate.
Parker was born with very low blood sugar. Before we could even attempt a successful feed, he needed glucose syrup and a bottle of formula. I had no milk yet and he was five minutes from being taken to the NICU. There was no other option. Due to the quick action from the pediatric nurse, Parker’s blood sugar slowly began to rise to a safe and healthy level. He was no longer lethargic and I was no longer panicking. Without that formula and intervention, my story would have a very different ending.
However, with that came a very lazy eater. Coupled with his overbite and my low milk production. Well, you can guess. What followed was two months of lactation consultant appointments, crying, sleepless nights, more crying and ultimately, hefty breastfeeding anxiety. Every time I felt milk come in, I also felt scared. My nipples were black and blue, my baby was hungry and I was losing my joy.
At this point I realized that it was way more important for my baby to eat and for him to have a mom that was happy and rested than for me to fulfill this unrealistic understanding that I could only be a good mom if I exclusively breastfed. That was bogus. Formula was plan B, but without it, I would not have my baby or my sanity.
Whatever your circumstances, please know that when you do your personal best within the realm of your own limitations and prioritize your baby’s health and happiness along with your own health and happiness, both physical and mental, you are a good mom. The first year is not easy. Everything is new and tough and crazy. But it ends and before you know it, you’re kid is almost three and telling you “Mom, you bought the wrong Kombucha! I like the blue one.”
We’re just fine.
Modern Mommie 